Haven’t wrote on this in what feels like forever but tonight, I feel defeated. I feel like the rug has been pulled from under my legs and I am on a ground. This time I feel like I have no where else to go. No one else to depend on and nothing else to do. Attempting to fight this battle on my knees but instead, I’m face flat on the ground with my hands in the air. I cannot do this much longer. I’ve managed to lose my identity. I have forgotten who I am, what I stand for, where I have came from and most importantly, I have forgotten the girl I was a year and a half ago, the girl I said I would never become again. But it is true right? When they say people always become the person they swore they’d never become? It is a proven fact right? I need clarity and a shoulder. I need Colorado. And most of all I need a lot of church. Someone to tell me it is going to be okay. And that even though today sucked there’s still a chance of tomorrow being awesome…right? I need someone who will just listen and not judge. I need me. I just need my old self back. That is all. I need carefree amber who enjoyed life and did not succumb to this thing called “love”. I’ve been pushed to all limits and I’ve sacrificed countlessly who I am for a man who will never do the same for me. I’ve traded my free spirit for an enclosed mind and a life that gives nothing but labor to a man who treats me like shit when he wants to. I have allowed a man to enter my life and control it. I am weak minded and a puppet nowadays. I hate who I am but there’s nothing that comes from it but a continuous pretend. A show. I am a character In my own life. I just can’t do this anymore. I know I can’t. I’m not strong enough. Or willing to pretend anymore….. Maybe goodbyes are okay sometimes even if it means goodbye forever. How great it would be to have someone that makes saying goodbye hard.